It’s been over a year since the pandemic began, and I find myself still looking for work, and still dealing with a tough lesson that I thought I learned when it first presented itself in 2018.
During my career in publishing, up to 2018, I had my share of working into the early hours of the morning, repeating that same routine again each day. I was extremely dedicated to the work—and that passion I felt for it when I first started never waned. But I was never able to find a happy medium with work and life, and was tested time and again, and each time, I failed, miserably—always choosing work first. I watched as others seemed to take lunch on time and leave on time. And I realized something had to change but wasn't sure how to make it happen.
Perhaps my colleagues didn’t know it, but they were on to something, placing value in their time, putting themselves first over the job—something that was a tough lesson for me to learn; feeling like there was just not enough time in the day to get the job done.
But, if my colleagues were able to do it, then why couldn’t I?
Enter Fear and False Realties
My self-worth revolved around my job. I accepted exhaustion as reality. My ego grew when I told people what I did for a living—I was an editor and had the opportunity to travel around the world on assignment. I talked a BIG game.
This “glamourous life” I falsely filled my self-worth with, became who I was—after all, I felt that a single woman in her 40s needs to put that energy somewhere. It was also easier to justify not getting things done—the meaningful and necessary things. The work made me stand tall, gave me a false confidence and I carried myself this way for years, my true self locked away—awaiting me for one day to discover her.
When I was laid off from that job, I found the thought of time without routine unbearable—even though I so desperately needed the break. It took some time to get used to having time. So, when a friend asked me to volunteer at a food pantry she ran, I jumped at the chance. I needed to “be busy” and it also helped me to channel my emotions into something that was greater than myself. I continued to look for work, and eventually, landed a job later that year, temping at first, and then was hired on full-time in 2019 as a content editor—it was a dream come true.
But nothing lasts forever.
A few months later, my employer eliminated my role, and I found myself once again looking for work. So, while on the hunt for a new job, I went back to volunteering, and started to feel sorry for myself a few times along the way.
For the rest of 2019 and in January 2020, things finally started to look up. I was getting the interviews. I cast my net even wider to NYC, and got the interview I hoped for. And for the first time in a while, I felt optimistic. While I continued to interview and attended conferences, a great temp job literally fell into my lap and I took it. It was about a mile away, and the hours were perfect while I was in job transition.
Enter Covid 19
One day, after about a month of working at the temp job, I decided to walk to work. When I arrived, I took my seat. Shortly into the morning, a co-worker began spraying Lysol like it was going out of style. Being sensitive to chemicals (I use natural products at home for cleaning) I began coughing, which lasted on and off for a while. I had also walked to work that day which usually leads to coughing after.
When I finally went upstairs to the lunchroom to take my lunch, I checked my email—the latest email being an urgent message from the staffing agency that said that I needed to vacate my workplace immediately due to my coughing. So, I went downstairs, packed up my desk and told my boss that I was asked to leave because of my coughing. I explained to her that the reason for my coughing was due to someone spraying Lysol and that I was sensitive to that and other chemicals, and that I had also walked that day, which usually makes me cough.
So, I called the agency I worked with and also explained to them why I was coughing, left and walked home.
But that was just a sign of the times.
My career was suddenly put on hold, with many companies laying off people. Friends and family told me of their layoffs too. In everyday life, mMany people were even scared to venture out to the supermarket, afraid their food or packages would be contaminated. For those of us who did, we faced long lines that in some stores, covered the length of the store. Masks, gloves and sanitizer became the norm.
I began to feel the gravity and weight of life and felt like I just didn’t have it in me to move forward, to take charge. I needed time to let everything sink in, to allow myself to feel it, to be ok with not wanting to take part in social activities—virtually. I just wanted to be alone to deal with this new reality in silence. And that was okay.
For me, the year 2020 presented a test of my sanity—which became a series of scream fests in my mind. I felt a mix of untamed emotions—anger for the way the former president played down the pandemic, extreme sadness for all of the deaths that resulted here in the U.S., and around the world—when they didn't have to, and the internal battle that I had with myself as a result of being laid off and still single at 44 years old. So, I continued to look for work, and with the help of a dear friend, picked myself up out of self-turmoil and just tried to keep it together.
I crawled out of that space, but I do admit, it’s just as easy to fall back into that abyss if you don’t try to overcome it—that is, overcoming yourself.
As the months waned on, I could feel my spirits continue to lift. That lesson that I didn’t get since 2018, I was finally starting to get in the later half of 2020—that it was ok to give myself the time and space that I needed, to look at the ugly truths, accept them and move on. It was because I did this I was able to exist again in the world.
As I write this, It is now May 24, 2021, and the pandemic is still with us, but there is a feeling of hope in the air—especially now that vaccines are being distributed throughout the U.S. and the world.
I am still unemployed, just over a year now, the longest I have ever been without work. And yes, I do have extra time on my hands—which I use to look for work, facilitate my monthly writers’ group meetings, watch webinars on workplace trends, and continue to work on my personal and spiritual writings.
As I look out my window, I take in the sun, and relish in the beauty of the garden, watching a Robin as he dips his feathers into the bird bath, shaking to and fro, then jumping in again in delight.
I think about the tasks of the day and actually look forward to them; what were once routine trips to the supermarket have now become a colorful cruise through brand art, connecting with other humans and finally seeing the infinite possibilities.